The PR is looking pretty good now. The only pervasive problem it still
has is a tendency to overuse of "hype" words and prolix constructions.
(How many times should "widely" appear in the PR? Is "has the ability
to" really better than "can"?)
Each patch below is has a bit of explanatory text after it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
*** prdraft.txt.orig Mon Jan 25 18:20:57 1999
--- prdraft.txt Mon Jan 25 19:03:43 1999
***************
*** 11,15 ****
SANTA CLARA, C.A. -- Today Linus Torvalds, the primary developer and
! coordinator of the Linux kernel team, released a major new version of the
! Linux kernel. This update brings substantial performance improvements and a
! multitude of new features.
--- 11,15 ----
SANTA CLARA, C.A. -- Today Linus Torvalds, the primary developer and
! coordinator of the Linux kernel team, released a major new version of the
! Linux kernel. This version brings substantial performance improvements
! and a multitude of new features.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I still maintain that saying "major new version" in one sentence and
"update" in the next is confusing to readers who won't know what the
press release is about. Which is it, a major new version or an update?
People shouldn't have to wonder that while they try to decide whether
to toss it in the trash. Some of the people who will be parroting
from this are _not_ very smart. Let's not confuse them.
***************
*** 17,29 ****
! * Advanced network routing and wide area network (WAN) support give Linux the
!
! ability to replace many expensive, proprietary protocol network devices.
! Users can take control of their intranets with wide support for a wide
! variety of protocols, usage limits, accounting, and virtual private
! networks. Strong (256-bit) encryption is available as an add-on component.
!
! * Owing to its tradition of open and international development, Linux is
! positioned as an operating system ready for the new millennium. Linux 2.2
! is Y2K ready and continues to build on previous versions'
! internationalization.
--- 17,29 ----
! * Advanced network routing and wide area network (WAN) support let
! Linux systems replace expensive dedicated network devices. Users
! can take control of their intranets with support for usage limits,
! accounting, virtual private networks, and a wide variety of protocols.
! Strong (256-bit) encryption is available from outside the U.S. as a
! free add-on component.
!
! * Owing to its tradition of open and international development, Linux
! is an operating system ready for the new millennium. Linux 2.2
! remains Y2K-ready, and continues to build on previous versions'
! internationalization support.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Lots of fixes above; a grammatical problem: does "a wide variety"
apply only to "protocols", or also to "accounting" etc.?
Replace "give the ability to" with "let"; clean up the description
of devices ("many" begs the question "which ones?"): can Linux only
replace proprietary-protocol devices? I added "from outside the
U.S." to explain why encryption is an add-on, and not just included.
In the next paragraph I removed "positioned as": it's not "positioned
as" being ready, it _is_ ready. ("Positioning" is marketing flim-flam.)
I changed "is" to "remains" to avoid implying that previous versions
were not Y2K-ready. Finally, I added a hyphen before "ready".
***************
*** 35,40 ****
! * A wide variety of new SCSI and parallel port devices are now supported,
including disk drives, tape drives, and other external devices.
! * Linux's already legendary performance is significantly enhanced. High end
symmetric multiprocessing (SMP) support scales well, supporting systems
--- 35,40 ----
! * A wide variety of new SCSI and parallel-port devices are now supported,
including disk drives, tape drives, and other external devices.
! * Linux's already legendary performance is significantly enhanced. High-end
symmetric multiprocessing (SMP) support scales well, supporting systems
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I added hyphens here and in a few other places. Generally, when
a noun is part of an adjectival phrase (e.g. "port", "end") it needs
a hyphen before it.
***************
*** 43,46 ****
! * Compatibility with Windows NT and Unix filesystems enables Linux 2.2 to
! seamlessly handle data from legacy systems. SAMBA (<A HREF="http://www.samba.org/">http://www.samba.org/</A>)
! gives a Linux system the ability to provide a complete replacement for NT
! Server services, including file and print sharing and domain
--- 43,47 ----
! * Compatibility with Windows NT and Unix filesystems and network services
! gives Linux 2.2 full access to data from legacy systems. With SAMBA
! (<A HREF="http://www.samba.org/"
! >http://www.samba.org/</A>), a Linux system can transparently replace
! all NT Server functions, including file- and print-sharing and domain
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I don't know what it means to "seamlessly handle data", but I do know
what "full access" means. I added "and network services" to point out
that Linux can also (e.g.) mount SMB shares. I added "transparently"
to imply that the rest of the network doesn't have to change. (This
distinguishes it from Netware, which can do the same sorts of things as
NT Server, but not transparently.) I replaced "gives ... the ability
to" with "With ... can" because it's simpler.
***************
*** 49,58 ****
! * Because Linux operates under an open development model, any user has the
! ability to modify the operating system components and submit patches to
! the official distribution. This both facilitates the development of new
! features and enables users to repair problems within hours after they have
! been located.
!
! Linux 2.2 is available for free download on the Internet: visit the Linux
! Kernel Archive (<A HREF="http://www.kernel.org/">http://www.kernel.org/</A>) to obtain it from a worldwide
! network of mirror servers which has been established in anticipation of
! massive demand for this new version. As always, the Linux kernel is
--- 50,59 ----
! * Because Linux operates under an open development model, any user can
! modify the operating system components, and send in improvements for
! the official distribution. This eases the development of new features,
! and lets users repair problems immediately as they are discovered.
!
! Linux 2.2 is available free via the Internet from a worldwide network
! of download servers. For a list of the "mirror servers" established
! in anticipation of the massive demand for this new release, visit the
! Linux Kernel Archive (<A HREF="http://www.kernel.org/"
! >http://www.kernel.org/</A>). As always, the Linux kernel is
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Again, I removed "has the ability to" replacing it with "can".
I replaced "submit patches to" with "send in improvements for" because
only programmers know what patches are. I replaced "facilitates" with
"eases" for obvious reasons. I replaced "enables users to repair
problems within hours" with "lets users repair problems immediately"
(why should we have to wait "hours"?).
The sentence about the worldwide network of mirror servers was far too
ponderous for its subject (Is the sentence about downloading, or about
anticipating a heavy load?) I split it up. Also, few people know
what a mirror server is, though they can figure out download, hence
the quote marks. We have to say "mirror" so they know what to look
for on the web site. Maybe some improvements are still possible here.
***************
*** 76,80 ****
! Support is widely available both from distribution vendors and third
! parties, as well as from numerous Usenet groups and mailing lists. Linux is
! provided under an unlimited-use license that lets users make in-house
customizations to the system itself. Recent estimates suggest that Linux
--- 78,82 ----
! Support is readily available both from distribution vendors and third
! parties, as well as from numerous Usenet groups and mailing lists. Linux
! is provided under an unlimited-use license that lets users make in-house
customizations to the system itself. Recent estimates suggest that Linux
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Widely", again? I replaced it with "readily".
***************
*** 84,89 ****
examination of Linux (The so-called "Halloween Document",
! <A HREF="http://www.opensource.org/halloween.html">http://www.opensource.org/halloween.html</A>), wrote that "Linux represents a
! best-of-breed UNIX, that is trusted on mission critical applications, and -
! due to its open source code - has a long term credibility which exceeds
! many other competitive operating systems."
--- 86,92 ----
examination of Linux (The so-called "Halloween Document",
! <A HREF="http://www.opensource.org/halloween.html"
! >http://www.opensource.org/halloween.html</A>), wrote that "Linux
! represents a best-of-breed UNIX, that is trusted on mission critical
! applications, and - due to its open source code - has a long term
! credibility which exceeds many other competitive operating systems."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is just a formatting change. We should try to make sure the
text portion (if not the list of URLs at the bottom) reads cleanly
when printed out even with URLs expanded.
Nathan Myers
ncm@cantrip.org
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